i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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