The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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