I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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