i think my tv is drunk
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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