dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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