I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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