apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
