Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
