Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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