wanna go halves on a baby?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
