Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
