you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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