I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
