Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
