I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Even the bartender felt bad for me
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
two words...techno handjob
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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