I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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