I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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