I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He shit in the fireplace
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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