Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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