so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
