My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
