Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
