I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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