Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
