3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
