Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
