He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
