I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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