I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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