Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
