sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
