Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well I just put wine in my tea
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
