she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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