ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
