I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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