I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
