sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
