Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's never too late to be topless.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
