help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
