my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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