i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
