in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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