Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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