and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
