Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Houston, we have a squirter
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
