We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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