My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
