i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Floor bacon is actually really good
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
