I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
