Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
