I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
