Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
