I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
