I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
